Lumos MAXimus: HBO Won't Let the Boy Who Lived Just Die
Leave the Golden Trio alone! They've been through enough!
Wands up, bitches! HBO is in talks to yassify a well-known book series written, as we all know, by the beloved actor and newest zaddy Daniel Radcliffe.
As 1990s babies, we unfortunately have deeply religious ties to the Harry Potter books — Rachel literally missed Easter mass one year re-reading Deathly Hallows, while Mallika made herself sick by refusing to stop reading the same book during an eight-hour car ride.
Still, we're adults now, we have officially accepted that our Hogwarts letter is not coming and we're trying to move on with our lives. Yet, as we've learned with the Gossip Girl reboot, HBO, excuse us, Max, does not know when to leave well enough alone. Max announced earlier this year that it is coming out with a Harry Potter television series, which will supposedly be a faithful adaptation of the original seven books and will run for 10 years, which is cuckoo when you think about it. Blue Ivy will be the legal drinking age and Max will be competing with the podcast/tv show/books we are inevitably asked to do thanks to our millions of loyal readers. Maybe we’ll even have swag by then and people will wear Deux Moi-style YWSW sweatpants.
We know some people are probably very excited about the upcoming show and those people will probably get mad at us for this post. But we took to a Google Doc to discuss:
Rachel: I fear this will be like Wednesday, which I know a lot of people liked. But to me, seeing Fred Armisen play Uncle Fester or Catherine Zeta-Jones as Morticia just made me sad and wistful for the original Addams Family cast. I can’t imagine anyone other than Alan Rickman playing Snape. Or a Hagrid who isn’t Robbie Coltrane? Blasphemy! Could you get better actors to play some of those main HP roles? Yes. Bless Bonnie Wright(Ginny)’s heart. But even though I will roast Emma Watson’s Little Women performance into next Tuesday, I really can’t disassociate any of them from those characters.
Mallika: A big critique of the movies was that they left out some crucial scenes and cut characters like Peeves the poltergeist, so this maybe gives them a way to depict more from the books. But I have — and maybe I’m in the minority here — always been pretty against all the prequels and stage sequels and amusement parks. Let it rest! There are actually other ideas out there, contrary to popular belief.
Rachel: Read-another-book vibes!! I also know some people want a series about the Marauders or a Voldemort backstory, which I can’t get behind. Aren’t we over the era of anti-heroes? They’d probably make up some love story between him and Bellatrix Lestrange and I’m sorry but it’s giving those theories about how Jesus and Mary Magdalene were actually boning. As KeKe Palmer/Drake says, “I’m Stevie Wonder to the bullshit.” What I would like to see most is the trio after the series ended — their angsty 20s, maybe a moody HBO dramedy with all the original actors unpacking their trauma.
Mallika: Or a documentary about the making of the show, how they dealt with fame overtime and how it’s affecting them now — I imagine that Rupert Grint being called Ron for the rest of his life would… do some damage. Actually there is evidence of that and it’s how much stuff Rupert is doing with M. Night Shyamalan. Spare him!
Rachel: THAT is a rewatch podcast I would absolutely devour. The Tom Felton book and the reunion were simply not enough!! Why do I care so much about those kids? I just remember being 12 years old in my grandpa’s office at the Standard Motor Parts after school, sneaking onto his work desktop and looking them all up on Wikipedia. The amount of B movies I have watched just because Rupert Grint is in them.... We as a society need to unpack what was going on with the movie Cherrybomb.
Mallika: Speaking of Cherrybomb I think Robert Sheehan would play Professor Flitwick and I can’t explain any more about this.
Rachel: He’d be a hot Sirius. I fear I’d have to watch if that were the case....
Mallika: Regarding casting, what are your thoughts about how they’re going to cast these roles that we associate so heavily with other people?
Rachel: I think it needs to be actors I’ve never heard of or it’s not going to work. I heard a rumor that Adam Driver was in talks to play Snape which I think is highly unlikely. But I can see him, in a flashback, screaming at James Potter “You shouldn’t be upset that I fucked her, you should be upset that I had a LAUGH with her!” *punches drywall*
Mallika: I worry they’ll just throw money at big names. Granted, so many of the OG adult cast were huge in Britain at the time. But my ignorant American ass didn’t know them (I’m so sorry to you Maggie Smith) and that was such a benefit to me watching these movies. Even when I saw Gary Oldman in that bad Churchill makeup I was like…. Sirius? My other concern is they are going to cast some teenybopper Disney stars (NO offense to them! I am listening to the new Olivia Rodrigo single as we speak!) in an attempt to get Gen Z to care about this.
Rachel: Also there’s the J.K. Rowling of it all — she is an executive producer on this. And as the Deadline article pointed out, her production company lost 74% in profits last year (happy pride!!!). If you’re watching this series for 10 years, you’re definitely securing her another vacation home to relax by the fireplace and tweet about how trans folks don’t deserve rights (while writing a new shitty detective noir novel under a MAN’s pen name). When rereading the original books, it’s a little easier to say, “She’s already made her money. What is a 13th reread of Order of the Phoenix really going to do?” But to see all this new content, which is just old content repurposed so she can get richer, I don’t know. It gives me agita, clearly.
Mallika: What could be interesting is seeing how they implement some of the feedback she’s gotten about diversity (or lack thereof…obviously) in the books. Like.. are they going to change Cho Chang’s name so it’s not two last names from two different languages? Are they going to have one (1) Black character who actually gets to talk? (Justice for the very hot and talented Alfred Enoch!) Maybe! But if J.K. Rowling is in charge of everything, probably not. Or it will be done poorly.
Rachel: And one downside to the series being portrayed in greater detail with the TV format is Rowling’s bigotry goes way deeper in the books. She said that lycanthropy (werewolf syndrome) was a metaphor for AIDS, and then proceeded to write a character whose main goal was to give it to children. She described the supremely unlikable character Rita Skeeter as having man-like shoulders and hands. She made Hermoine’s efforts to literally end chattel slavery some kind of zealous personality quirk that everyone else in the books brushed aside. This woman has always been wACk-a-doodle-do. But that being said, there are lots of scenes from the books I would love to see portrayed on screen, like the Department of Mysteries in its full glory and not just that Home Depot-looking hall of prophecies. I’d love to see Hermoine talk Ron out of buying the wizard equivalent of adderall to pass their O.W.L. exams in the fifth book (Order of the Phoenix is legitimately 99% about none of those kids having time to do their homework and I do love it for that). But do I NEED any it? Absolutely not.
Mallika: I would love to see some of the scenes where Harry and Dumbledore go into the pensieve to see baby Voldy but… you’re right, I don’t need it. I also wonder how they’re going to address Rowling retroactively adding plot points (i.e. Dumbledore being gay). And will they go a bit rouge in general? Is there any world in which they do this and don’t stick 100% to the books?
Rachel: I think the appeal of it is to stick to the books. But they’re still looking for a showrunner, and I think whoever they find will really shape what the series looks like. I don’t know who they’re going to get with Rowling attached and the writer’s strike. Definitely no one cool. I imagine Phoebe Waller-Bridge accepting the role and then refusing to write anything for years like she did with her Amazon deal. Fucking with Warner Brothers, Jeff Bezos and J.K. Rowling? Give this woman a Peabody.
Mallika: Speaking of working with J.K. again, do you think any of the original cast members will return? You just know Tom Felton is jumping at the bit to play Lucius or literally any character. He would play Mrs. Norris if it meant coming back and I say that with love.
Rachel: I am convinced that Tom Felton lives inside Universal Studios’ Harry Potter World.
Mallika: Overall I doubt they can do much bringing the original cast back because again it’s not a reboot, it’s a remake. They can’t have Matthew Lewis walk in and do a scene as Neville, but it would also be so distracting to have him as someone else, like Slughorn.
Rachel: Some of these actors might have graduated from wanting to come back anyway. Daniel Radcliffe has been resistant and is thriving doing Stephen Sondheim on Broadway with Jonathan Groff. Also, another tangent, but I love that Daniel, Rupert and Bonnie all had kids around the same time and Emma Watson said... I have a gin, a brother, and a dog. Seriously, girlina is posting alcohol ads with her brother every single day and they look just a little too cozy for my comfort... she’s straying into Angelina Jolie territory I fear. But you know, the actor who I think has done the best for himself, a true wildcard, is Harry Melling, who played Dudley Dursley in the original series. I swear on Emma Watson’s puppy, that man will win an Emmy one day soon.
Mallika: Okay Rachel I KNOW you are baiting me to come out and tell everyone I have a fat crush on Harry Melling and you know what I will because I am not ashamed. There are over 350,000 views on Youtube of this scene from The Queen’s Gambit and I am actually all of them.
Rachel: The hype you built up for this scene and it was 1.5 minutes of Harry Melling simply… standing. But I cannot judge you as someone who watched Rupert Grint overdose on cocaine and have sex with a 19-year-old in Servant and is still in love with him. I would put a spoiler alert in for that show but I know none of you are watching it.
Mallika: You are right and I’m so sorry for that. Anyways, I think what we can conclude here is we will be complaining about this upcoming TV series for the next 3 years until it comes out, and then we will ultimately watch it for a decade.
Rachel: My prediction is it won’t get made. They put that Instagram teaser out three years before we will ever see it for a reason. It was a TEST to see how we’d react. And go look at those comments. It’s all the Michael Scott “please GOD no, god no nooooooooo.” However, I will be pitching a dark comedy about what three actors who starred in a major movie franchise for their entire childhoods are doing as adults. Whoever would like to hire me for this, pls reach out.
Mallika: Babe, the One Tree Hill boys already did that.
Rachel: …I have never had an original thought in my life.
B Plot
Question: What’s a role an actor you used to love took on and now you can’t look at them the same way ever again?
Mallika: Once upon a time, Robert Pattinson was the ultimate hunk (as Cedric Diggory and, of course, Edward Cullen — yes I did dress up like “Bella, vampire version” for Halloween in 9th grade). And then Netflix did him absolutely dirty casting him as Reverend Preston in The Devil All the Time. They made him yell “delu-OOO-sions” with that (strange) southern accent. They made him lick those chicken livers off his fingers. And in my mind, he was never the same. At least my boyfriend Harry Melling was in that movie, too.
Rachel: In an extremely similar vein, I truly can never watch a movie with Eddie Redmayne again after seeing him in the 2011 5%-on-Rotten-Tomatoes movie Hick. His British accent also morphs into a disturbing rural American slang, playing an unstable drifter in Nebraska who does scary shit to Chloe Grace Moretz and Blake Lively. He doesn’t really change anything about his physical appearance, except for adding a limp, but everything about his quirky real-life demeanor intertwines so believably into this abusive and deranged man. The character’s name is even Eddie… you can’t convince me that’s not who he is in real life now. In second place is Alia Shawkat who was so convincing as the menacingly lost Dory in Search Party I also don’t trust that she isn’t a complete psycho in real life.
C Plot
The smoke rolling down the center of America right now isn’t from the Canadian wildfires, it’s from Chris Kelly and Sarah Schneider burning down the best show on television. Max’s The Other Two aired its final episode on Thursday, and while Kelly and Schneider claim it was always their intention to end this absolute gem of a series in three seasons, it’s hella suspicious they just forgot to tell us until right before the final episode aired? Doesn’t help that the show is coming to an end in the wake of an investigation into Kelly and Schneider’s behavior amid a flurry of HR complaints. This is the opposite of undeniable good! It’s a tragic irony that a show all about what fame and power can do to a person was brought down by the same trappings. We’ll have more to say about this next newsletter, but right now we’re in the anger stage of grief. We were rooting for you! We were all rooting for you!
Speaking of toxic sets, Rachel’s copy of Maureen Ryan’s “Burn It Down: Power, Complicity, and a Call for Change in Hollywood” is on a delivery truck as we speak. The book exposes the toxicity of myriad sets, the worst of which seems to be the early 2000s hit Lost. But Ryan also touches on Saturday Night Live, The Goldbergs, Sleepy Hollow and Curb Your Enthusiasm. We’ll break it down once Rachel finishes reading (as the copy of Kindred by Octavia Butler she bought months ago is bombastically side-eyeing her from her bookshelf.).
In brighter news, the full trailer just dropped for a new TV miniseries brought by Oceans Eleven and Erin Brockovitch director Steven Soderbergh. Full Circle, starring Clare Danes, Zazie Beetz, Timothy Olyphant and Dennis Quaud, looks like a thrilling drama focused around a kidnapping which appears to be karma for Danes and Olyphant doing some secret evil imperialist-type shit. We will absolutely be watching when it airs July 13 on Max.
Finally, we are getting blasted for not writing enough about our biggest cultural blindspot: reality television. We are scripted TV girlies what can we say! But we’re told something crazy happened on Love Island recently?? Someone got dumped? And that’s unusual somehow? Is Selling Sunset still on? The only Oppenheimer Group we’re aware of is our crew of besties planning to see the Christopher Nolan movie alongside Greta Gerwig’s Barbie. Does the Smartless documentary count as reality TV? Watching Will Arnett, Jason Bateman and Sean Hayes meticulously order food for delivery and talk about pooping for several hours? That’s what we call a DILF Manor.