What Halloween Costumes Would Our Fav TV Characters Wear in 2023?
From Rory Gilmore to Hannibal to the Roys.
*Cady Heron voice* In girl world, Halloween is the one night a year when a girl can...reflect on all of the pop culture from the previous year and say, “wow, I forgot that happened.”
As Halloweekend commences, we’re all about to be inundated with costumes reminding us about that tweet that was really funny a few months ago, that TV show we forgot we all loved, the couples and breakups that have defined the year, the top TMZ headlines, and lots of Barbies and Kens.
But there is a question that has been keeping us up at night: What would our favorite TV characters dress up as in 2023?
Some of these shows have been off the air for a decade or more, so we might never truly know. But below, you can read as we wildly speculate:
Maddy Perez and Nate Jacobs (Euphoria): Hailey and Justin Bieber
This toxic pair would go as another hot couple that is simply never on the same page. Something about Jacob Elordi also screams yellow Crocs, and we mean that in a good (?) way.
Christopher Moltisanti and Adriana La Cerva (The Sopranos): Barbie and Ken
Adriana is the Barbie of The Sopranos, there’s no doubt. Chrissy might have a few qualms with the “She’s everything, he’s just Ken” of it all, and I could hear him saying “I’m a screenwriter! Ain’t it scabbing if we go as those madigans?” But Ade would get her way and Chris could look great in that denim vest. His job is sanitation!!
Tim Riggins & Lyla Garrity (Friday Night Lights): Taylor Swift & Travis Kelce
No we do not actually think Tim dressed up — he’s just in his regular jersey. Lyla’s been listening to Lover on repeat since it was released so she’s working with what she’s got.
Paris Gellar (Gilmore Girls): Oppenheimer
“For how much trouble this sex thing has caused me, I better have been good.” Is this a Paris Geller quote or a J. Robert Oppenheimer quote? The world may never know.
Hannah Horvath (Girls): Weird Barbie
What can we say, she loves feminism. But Hannah would also spend much of the night making sure everyone knows that Barbie is not actually her favorite Greta Gerwig movie.
Shoshanna Shapiro (Girls): M3GAN
We wanted to make a joke about how Shosh is a little behind on this trend, but M3GAN did indeed come out in January of this year, if you can believe it. You know Shosh already had this outfit in her closet, and the attitude that can turn hot on a dime… just give her some champagne and she’ll be doing that scary little dance in no time.
Marnie Michaels (Girls): Daisy Jones and the Six
You know when Marnie was up there singing “Stronger” making generations of viewers uncomfortable, in her mind she looked like Daisy Jones… If the girls wind up at a karaoke bar, some damage will be done.
Jessa Johansson (Girls): Didn’t dress up
Why are the Girls girls going out in these hodge-podge of costumes instead of a carefully crafted group costume that Marnie has been bugging them about buying for months? Jessa backed out last minute, of course. She’ll roll up to the warehouse party in Bushwick at around 2 a.m. in that iconic feather dress, make out with a rando and dip.
Hannibal Lecter (Hannibal): The Bear
Oh, he’s cookin’ up something alright. Yes, chef.
Seth Cohen and Summer Roberts (The OC): Ariana Grande and Spongebob
Season one and two Seth would have done this and had FUN if Summer asked him to, and that’s why we fell in love with them. Season three and four Seth would have done it and NOT had fun, but we can’t get into that now. Anyway, this is also an ode to The OC pretending Seth wasn’t hot because he read comic books.
Schmidt and Cece Parekh (New Girl): David and Victoria Beckham
A hot couple cosplaying as another hot couple. Except we think the rolls would be reversed here and Schmidt would be Posh and CeCe would be David. You know she’d be the one sticking her head in the room telling Schmidt to come clean about his dad’s Rolls Royce.
Ilana Wexler and Abbi Abrams (Broad City): Ariana Madix and Tom Sandoval
They would think this was hilarious, it’s as simple as that.
Mindy Lahiri (The Mindy Project): Beyonce Renaissance
You just know Dr. Lahiri would greet her gynecology patients in nothing but this strappy lil number if it meant committing to the costume — as she should! She’d spend the whole day begging Danny to dress up as Jay-Z for the Halloween party hosted by the midwives upstairs and ultimately he would and it would be offensive and they would get kicked out.
The Sex Lives of College Girls Girls: The Roman Empire
Kimberly went all out: shield, sword, cape, sandals. Leighton threw on a headpiece to appease Kimberly. Whitney looks gorgeous dressed as a Greek goddess which wasn’t exactly the assignment but she can do what she wants. Bela’s in a toga with nothing underneath, which she is sure to inform every man in the room about.
Portia (The White Lotus): Lana Del Rey working at waffle house
She’s a woman of the people!
Tom Wambsgans and Shiv Roy (Succession): Pulp Fiction
We needed a classic look for these two, who are always the life of the party. And by life of the party we mean that one time Shiv danced like no one was watching at Kendall’s birthday party but unfortunately everyone was watching.
Kendall Roy (Succession): Mojo Dojo Casa house Ken
Two Kens, both figuring it out one day at a time.
Roman Roy (Succession): Cocaine Bear
It’s giving Cousin Greg throwing up inside that big dog (?) costume in season one. But Roman would pull this off somehow and make many NSFW jokes to Gerri about how she can hibenate with him.
Chuck Bass and Blair Waldorf (Gossip Girl): Priscilla and Elvis
Two couples with a similar energy… and that’s not a good thing but Chuck and Blair would look amazing, as always.
Only Murders in the Building Trio: Wanda, Cosmo and Timmy
Steve Martin and Martin Short are essentially Selena Gomez’s fairy godparents. And God, would we love to see them in those green and purple wigs.
The Strangers Things Kids: A swarm of spotted lantern flies
The boys studied these under the careful watch of that teacher with the glasses they put through hell. Elle has no idea what’s going on but when you have the weight of the world on your shoulders, that’s okay! She’ll wear it anyway. And ultimately she’ll relate to the lantern fly because the whole world is trying to kill her and she just keeps on survivin’.
Dwight Schrute (The Office): Wordle
Jim spent the whole day pretending not to know what Wordle was only to ask Dwight the next day if he’s playing Connections.
Penelope Garcia (Criminal Minds): Deux Moi
You can tell Babygirl Garcia that some man named John in Connecticut killed a person, and she will go beep beep boop on her computer and tell you the name of John’s first pet, his greatest childhood trauma and where he is at this very moment. How is this different from our anon gossip queen?
Will Schuester (Glee): NSYNC era Justin Timberlake
We’re actually exhausted just thinking about this. Public enemy no. 2 dressed as public enemy no. 1.
Rachel Berry (Glee): American Girl doll
You know Rachel would be a year behind on the costume trends because she’s too busy practicing those Barbara Streisand runs and not minding her own business for a single sencond. Does Samantha sing? She does now!
Santana Lopez (Glee): Selena Gomez in a blanket
What is the ultimate peace Santana would be channeling here? Probably the thought of Rachel losing her voice à la Julie Andrews.
Britney Pierce (Glee):The Michelle Williams audiobook of the Britney Spears Memoir
No one makes more sense than Britney (with the voice of Michelle) for Britney. There are few TV characters we trust to pull off such a task but this William McKinley cheerleader is one of them.
Lorelai and Rory (Gilmore Girls): Girl dinner
These women created and perfected the girl dinner and this Halloween they would claim their rightful credit with a tower of pop tarts and marshmallows and some instant mashed potatoes to be scooped up with tater tots because they won’t be washing any dishes. That or perhaps this was just a regular night for them and they forgot it was even Halloween to begin with.
Summer I Turned Pretty Trio: Elena, Stefan and Damon from The Vampire Diaries
Who better to play this chaotic love triangle than another chaotic love triangle? Belly = Elena. Jeremiah = Stefan. Conrad = Damon. Steven = Jeremy. Taylor = Caroline. The blueprint is there, people! Specifically they would take inspiration from the Miss Mystic Falls beauty pageant, because well… it’s basically their lived experience. IYKYK.
B Plot
Question: What is your favorite on-screen Halloween costume?
Mallika: I loved Lexi from Euphoria as Bob Ross because I did Bob Ross that same year and almost included a photo in this newsletter but then decided I actually didn’t want that on the internet, so it’s available upon request. But Haley Dunphy from Modern Family dressed as Mother Theresa “back when she was hot” may take the cake. Ugh but also the Stranger Things boys were so cute as Ghostbusters!
Rachel: Kelly Kapoor’s Carrie Bradshaw costume in The Office was iconic. AND her Katy Perry fit.
C Plot
A UCLA study found that Gen Z wants less sex on screen. Someone literally call up Sam Levinson and tell him this RIGHT NOW before HBO gives him another project. If he won’t listen to us, maybe he’ll listen to an academic.
Once Upon a Time is 12 years old and we’re genuinely asking: Should we watch this? It seems like the fans of this show haven’t had a day of peace in their lives since it aired, but we’re tempted.
Also they’re making a Girl with the Dragon Tattoo series, but hasn’t Rooney Mara been through enough?
There’s a wholly unsubstantiated rumor that Cillian Murphy will play Voldemort in the new Harry Potter reboot. We would obviously love and support him in taking on that role. But honestly, after playing the destroyer of worlds, playing Voldemort has gotta seem pretty lame. Our mans could not even destory a very small army of children.
If you’re like us (read: not normal), you might have spent your week examining in excruciating detail the celebrity names listed in two warring letters to President Biden regarding Israel and Palestine, one calling for a ceasefire and one thanking Biden and asking him to ask Hamas to give the hostages back? There’s some reading between the lines to be done in these databases and one is that Quinta Brunson signed the ceasefire letter and Tyler James Williams signed the other one. We knew Janine and Gregory had SOME differences they needed to work out but damn… Anyway, here’s a good Gaza relief fund.