Has Jake Gyllenhaal Always Been a Loser?
He's presumed guilty... of being for the streets
OK I have to get one thing out of the way which is (mostly) unrelated to what I’m about to write in this newsletter: Coroners are getting a bad wrap.
I just watched Deadloch and Presumed Innocent back to back and what is with these men in the morgue??? They’re so mean!! Do we have any YWSW subscribers who are coroners or detectives?? Can you confirm or deny if hanging out with the brutally deceased all day long makes you a grade A asshole? I know my baby Dr. Ravi Chakrabarti (iZombie) would not stand for this slander. That is the undead’s sweetheart you’re talking about!
Whew, felt good to get that off my chest. On to more pressing issues: Has Jake Gyllenhaal always been a loser?
He may be Presumed Innocent on Apple TV but I’ll tell you what, I am declaring him guilty… guilty of being for the streets.
I turned on the courtroom thriller, which aired its last episode a few weeks ago and stars Gyllenhaal as an assistant district attorney who finds himself too closely intertwined with the murder of his colleague, and immediately texted the group chat: “My crush on Jake Gyllenhaal has returned.”
And to that I now ask myself, from when did my crush on Jake Gyllenhaal emerge? Did I ever actually have a crush on Jake Gyllenhaal? Or does he just have a thick neck? Because that’s what it was. I was reminded of the thick neck. I saw it in that big-tech-budget, prestige-TV filter, nicely framed with a crew neck sweater and then hidden away in a white button-down and a too-tight tie he loosens while sweat trickles down his temple in the high-stakes Chicago DA’s office. As the plot thickens, so do his vertebrae.
But I made it not half an episode in before I unsent the text, scrubbing the record of my lust for this man who looks like the stone face emoji. I don’t think I’m spoiling much of the show when I tell you that his character Rusty Savitch is for the streets! He is a loser the way Trump says it. He’s Jillian Michaels Biggest Loser. He’s not loser in a babygirl Kendall-Roy-crying-at-his-birthday-party way (that role goes to his hateable-but-pathetic rival prosecutor played by Peter Sarsgaard. Peter, baby, they could NEVER make me hate you). He is loser in the purest sense of the word. The dictionary definition. Look it up. It’s Jake Gyllenhaal sending 30 text messages to a woman who is neither his wife nor the slightest bit interested. Rusty Savitch answers the question: What if Drake passed the bar exam?
Now I know there are actors who are so skilled at playing revolting characters it’s hard to separate them from the sinister undertones of their bread-and-butter thrillers and horror films, like Bill Skarsgard or Cillian Murphy, even (Peaky Blinders did so much for that man, otherwise I would see him as the creepy guy from Red Eye and that creepy guy only). But Jake Gyllenhaal isn’t that. He really is a weirdo and ever since I read a Deux Moi post saying he was awkward at the gym — I can’t remember the details — no one can convince me otherwise. Something about him just triggers my fight or flight. If you told me he really did kill someone, I would not think twice about it. 1
Presumed Innocent is a good show and you should watch it, but when I realized it was based2 on a 1990 movie starring Harrison Ford, it all started to make a little more sense. Han Solo could absolutely deliver the closing remarks at his own murder trial and have that jury whipped. The man had the hottest woman alive, Carrie Fisher, down bad! Dylan O’Brien played Jake Gyllenhaal better than Jake Gyllenhaal could in a 10-minute Taylor Swift music video with more views and critical acclaim than any of the movies he’d made in the last decade. They are not the same. And now he’s about to take up the Patrick Swayze mantle in Roadhouse???3 We really are losing our grip. The rent is too damn high, I’m sitting at home instead of at the airport because my flight was delayed 45 minutes for no reason and our Hollywood leading men are not giving what they need to be giving.
I know this newsletter is going to attract some haters, especially from the people who know me and have probably witnessed me thirst over this man at one point or another. I might get accused of harboring some kind of Swiftie vendetta. And yes I did once get into a screaming match with my friends at a Greek restaurant in Astoria over whether it was fair to say dating a 19-year-old at 29 is bad. But might I point out that of Taylor Swift’s two gross older man boyfriends, Jake is not even her best muse. Dear John + Would’ve, Should’ve, Could’ve >> All Too Well. I said what I said.
But I will accept the scrutiny. I want to be thorough with my investigation into the question: Was there ever a time that Jake Gyllenhaal wasn’t a loser? So let’s take a look through his past projects and you can come to your own conclusion.
Donnie Darko: His best friend was a creepy talking rabbit?? Next!
Spider-Man No Way Home / Far From Home: Pretty sure I saw both of these movies in theaters. I have no idea who Jake played? Tom Holland from the future?? A knock off of James Franco’s character in the OG ones?? Idk, but he was forgettable and was certainly overshadowed by the five minutes of screen time they gave Andrew Garfield.
Brothers: Couldn’t get his own girlfriend! Had to swoop in on his presumably dead brother’s woman. Just one example of him being Tobey McGuire’s tethered.
John Mulaney & The Sack Lunch Bunch: Does this one even need explaining? The Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club cosplay, the direct-to-camera wide eyed stare… it haunted my nightmares in 2020 more than the threat of a global pandemic. I do appreciate his commitment to full-weirdo in this though.
Nightcrawler: Similar vibe. At least he’s giving an Oscar-worthy performance of a loser.
Zodiac: One of my favorite movies of all time. But did he catch that killer? No! (I think, honestly that movie was soooo long.)
Demolition: This was when the Internet convinced us Jake Gyllenhaal was cool by clipping a scene of him dancing down the street to Migos’ “Bad and Boujie.” But without Migos that scene is just Toby Macguire’s evil Spider-Man dance.
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Love & Other Drugs: This is where you Gyllenhacks are going to trip me up and I’ll give it to you, it’s a good love story. But 1) he worked in big pharma 2) Anne Hathaway’s chunky white sweater and her billowing mane of curls heavily carried this film. This man has been hitchhiking on his chemistry with Anne Hathaway since Brokeback Mountain (Ok I’m sure he probably also had chemistry with Heath Ledger, I have not seen this movie on the basis that it is too sad) and it’s time for you all to WAKE UP! Yes her big, brown, round eyes bring out his big, brown, round eyes but look at the full picture.
October Sky: Being obsessed with Sputnik is huge nerd energy. Also as much as I do love this movie and no shade to my birthday twin Laura Dern, but the book was better.
Southpaw: Don’t let the muscles and the tattoos fool you, look him straight in the eye and you will see Tobey McGuire’s tethered on steroids.
Nocturnal Animals: He fake-kills a fake-Amy Adams after she rejects him. Obsessed much? Bestselling author perhaps, but loser nonetheless. ‘
The one time I saw him IRL on a crosswalk in the East Village in 2018: He was hot I will say… I was expecting him to be 5’9 and he was a solid 5’11. He was wearing a white V-neck t-shirt which I will admit looked good on him. But this was a one-1 second encounter. It took me 15 minutes of Presumed Innocence to get the ick.
I will give Jake Gyllenhaal credit for two things. One, he has a cool older sister, which is humbling. And two, he probably could have been part of the pussy posse and to my current knowledge is not.
But ladies and gentlemen, I think the evidence is damning.
*In Amanda Bynes imitating Judge Judy voice* Court dismissed, bring in the dancing lobsters!
B Plot
Question: Because we’re obviously fair and impartial, what’s your favorite Jake Gyllenhaal character?
Mallika: No question, it’s “guy who travels in pajamas so TSA can have easy access to his body” in the SNL skit Airport Sushi. Him singing “you can pat me down” to the tune of Wicked’s “Defying Gravity” …it gets me every time. I love that little freak.
Rachel: I know I just spun a thousand word diatribe being a Gyllenhater, but I do respect the man’s craft when he’s leaning into his weirdo-dom. Being a loser is not always a bad thing, it’s simply a type-cast he can’t escape and you have to ask yourself why, like how Reese Whitherspoon can’t escape playing the type-A white mom who’s not strictly racist. But there is one other hat Jake wears that is not “loser” or “weirdo” and that is “muse.” Yes we all know the “All Too Well” lore, but what’s better? The “She Will Be Loved” lore. Jake Gyllenhaal and Adam Levine were childhood friends (something about this really tracks) and Jake was apparently the first person to hear the Maroon 5 singer’s demo of the band’s greatest hit by far. Gyllenhaal told PEOPLE4 in 2005 that Levine visited set (WHAT set is not specified in the article but the timing would work for Brokeback Mountain which is just delicious if true) and left him the demo of “She Will Be Loved” in his trailer. “It means a lot to me,” he said. “It makes me smile to think that I was one of the first people to ever hear it.” So you’re welcome. Now you can picture Jake in Kelly Preston’s role in the music video and have a blast.
C Plot
Everyone stay calm… but it’s happening. The Leighton Meester renaissance is coming and we’ve been waiting for it since 2012. As we predicted earlier this year, it’s time for her to get for flowers (how Blake Lively became the biggest star from Gossip Girl should be it’s own episode of Netflix’s Unsolved Mysteries). We’re starting small: a guest star role in Rachel Sennott’s upcoming HBO comedy. But if there is one person who can take something like that and turn it into a comeback for not only her but her (and our) beloved husband Adam Brody, it’s Blair Waldorf.
Hollywood genius a.k.a. Paris Hilton (literally no sarcasm there) is reuniting with her Simple Life bestie Nicole Richie and we’re SLIVING, baby. There’s essentially no information other than that it’s a new reality show for Peacock, but please give us more moments like the girls only knowing how to do laundry from movies and shopping for Marc Jacobs and Chanel at the grocery store. Sanasa!!!!!!
TV darlings Camila Mendes and Madelyn Cline will be in a new reboot of “I Know What You Did Last Summer.” This is a Sarah Michelle Gellar household so we’re disappointed to see no appearance from her, but Freddie Prinze Jr. and Jennifer Love Hewitt are in talks to return. We’ll take it.
Shannon Doherty, who played a bitch on and off Hollywood sets better than ANYONE and most importantly was the best friend of Sarah Michelle Gellar, succumbed to her decade long battle with breast cancer a few weeks ago. The 90210 and Charmed star will forever be remembered for her take-no-shit attitude and even in death she impresses us with her aptitude for pettiness. She allegedly made a list of people she did not want at her funeral, including her 90210 co-star Jennie Garth and Charmed co-star Alyssa Milano. What a legend. We need to start making out own list… let’s see… Sam Levinson, Chad Michael Murray, who else?
So I guess in that way he is not… presumed innocent. For fun, here is an abridged list of other actors who it would not shock me if they killed someone: Ashton Kutcher (more or less confirmed at this point), Austin Butler (I’m so sorry), Brad Pitt, Milo Ventimiglia, Chris Pratt, I could really keep going but I’ll stop there.
Ok before anyone yells at me, it was actually based on a book that came out first, I know.
Umm, my sources inform me this movie actually already came out and is available on Amazon Prime… I can really rest my case on the rollout of this film alone. A leading man Jake Gyllenhaal does not make.
What’s amazing about this PEOPLE article though is every other quote he gives about the singer is a backhanded compliment. “Their music was written with the intention of being listened to by many, many, many people,” he added. “And now it is.” (*Cough cough* sell-out) “I never thought it would happen with him, so he gives me faith,” Gyllenhaal joked. “[Adam and Behati] are both so fun. I mean, you think about Adam a certain way, but Adam is a real gentleman. We have fun.” I will spend weeks unpacking this.
stfu